Freaky Friday and Euro-Urinals

The Best Redneck Way to Deal with Tele-Marketers

Six Phases of WORK

Phase 1


You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great. Your coworkers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!


Phase 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.


Phase 3

You are listening to heavy metal -- This is what you feel like at month end.


Phase 4

You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in. You have started thinking 'WHATEVER' about your boss.


Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP. After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.


Phase 6

You are listening to the voices in your head -- You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out, You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube, You wonder why you are even here in the first place.

I'm Baaaack...

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made contact, "Connie....Connie"
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

RRM/

Larry's Funeral... a WHOPPER...

Larry died. His Will set aside $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the cemetery, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Larry would have been pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this funeral really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah. "Forty thousand..."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and food cost another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly, "$34,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?"

"Four and a half carats."

/RRM

?????????

I don't even know how to begin.... so I will just let that picture speak for itself...

RRM/

1989 Mullet

Wanna have some fun? go to www.yearbookyourself.com and put your face up there, and it will show what you *might* have looked like from 1952 - 2000... This was my 1989, and what's scary as hell is how close it was to one point in time... so go ahead and laugh and get it out of your system... I dare ya to post one of your own on your site....
RRM/

Redneck Guide to Medical Terms...

Redneck Toilet Bowl Cleaner

How to use a Redneck Toilet Cleaner
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean, killing two birds with one stone.

Sincerely,
RRM/

Redneck Fasion Tips - part 1

Redneck Cup Holder

If I've seen it once, I've seen it a million times... and it still freaks me out...
and the Burger King hat just tops it right off, don't it???


RRM/

Another Use for Duct Tape

I believe this one speaks for itself...

RRM/

How to install: Redneck Security System

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4) Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took pa rt in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter

RRM/

(Not so) Holy Cow!

I am just about speechless on this one... I've seen some BAAAAD tatoos, but this one is, well...
Like I said, I am just about speechless...




RRM/

Getting all dressed up for Wal-Mart??? WHAT???

I don't think this one requires any explanation... didn't know there was a Wal-Mart dress code, except maybe that you have to wear a shirt and shoes... scary.

RRM/

Microsoft Winders, Bubba Edition

No BULL here.

I am a diverse individual. I am a redneck, yet civilized and somewhat refined. I lift the lid, and I put it back down. I hold doors open for ladies, love God and country, been known to drink a beer now and then, but also appreciate a fine wine. I am the faithful husband of one wife, and she ain't my sister, nor cousin, nor nothing like that. We ain't even related, except for marriage....

I work for a large computer corporation, and have been in the technology field for 18 years. As such, the Bubba version of Winders is right up my alley.... a perfect fit for my tender, yet sarcastic, personality.

I am a paradox... but hey, it works for me... I know who I am, and I am comfortable in my skin. Not trying to climb any ladders (probably leanin on the wrong damned building anyway) nor trying to impress anyone. It's tough enough just being me and living my life without all that complicated manure.

So, if you like the straighforward, comical, warped view of life - well, drop on in, and stay a while. I'd be glad to hear from you.

RRM/

Redneck Horoscope

Yeah, they are sucha thang... So where do you fit in here?


RRM/ (aka ButterBean)


OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) - Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.


CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) - Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.


BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) - You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.


MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) - You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.


POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) - When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.


CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) - Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.


COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) - Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) - Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.


GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) - Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) - You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.


BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) - Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.


ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) - You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Why Dawgs and Firecrackers Don't Mix

Redneck Test... You just might be a redneck...

Wondering if you are a redneck? It's about Heritage, not Hatin'... Click on the word to take the quiz... and post me some lovin' if you dare...

RRM/

Timeout, Redneck Style...

Well, for the maiden voyage of the U.S.S. Redneck, I thought I'd begin with a picture of what a redneck version of "timeout" looks like, for all you parents out there with unwieldy children. Alls you need is a bare wall and about a half a roll of duct tape (or duck tape, if you live in my neighborhood). It's effective, cheap, safe, and can be setup in minutes. Personally, I think puttin' the duckie in there was a bit much... kinda defeats the purpose of timeout, don't it?

Noogies to ya all...

RRM (Redneck Renaissance Man)...